Sex Jokes — most commented jokes

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.

During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. "What the heck is wolf style?" you ask. That's when you sit by the hole and howl!

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
→ You marry him!

A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.

"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.

"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"

Why don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
→ Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

What do most women miss most about being single?
→ Having sex!

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
→ There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.

"I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free."

The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.

"I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!"

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

• We will wake the children.......17 times
• It's too late.......15 times
• I'm too tired.......5 times
• It's too early.......52 times
• It's too hot.......15 times
• Pretending to be asleep.......49 times
• Window open the neighbours will hear.......9 times
• Backache.......2 times
• Headache.......16 times
• Sunburnt.......10 times
• Your mother will hear us.......6 times
• Not in the mood.......21 times
• Will wake the baby.......17 times
• Watching the late TV show.......7 times
• Too sore.......9 times
• New hairdo.......4 times
• Wrong time of the month.......4 times
• You had to go to the toilet.......9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

• Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.......7 times
• Didn't come home.......29 times
• Didn't come.......14 times
• Came too soon.......26 times
• Went soft before you got in.......18 times
• Toes in cramp.......9 times
• Working late.......49 times
• Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat.......21 times
• In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls.......4 times
• Caught it in your zipper.......6 times
• Got a cold, your nose keeps running.......14 times
• Brewer's droop.......95 times
• Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue.......9 times
• Had a splinter in your finger.......4 times
• Lost the notion after thinking about it all day.......13 times
• Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.......8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?"

The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.