School — most commented jokes

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!'"

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here's what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, "DISMAY hurt a little."

OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, "Gimme one MOBILE."

DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, "DATA boy!"

COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, "COPULATE!"

FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is this BEWARE I get a job?"

COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM."

DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...

Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
• You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
• Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: (20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
   (a) build a bridge
   (b) lead an army or
   (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
   (a) Jewish
   (b) Catholic
   (c) Hindu
   (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
   (a) Westerners
   (b) Southerners
   (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) Wall Mart
    (b) Kmart
    (c) Canada
    (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) Minnnesota
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    (a) B.C
    (b) A.D.

Day 1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum, "We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2: "We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3: "We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25."

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14?" "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc...).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week. "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no in the Book of Mark."