Relationships — most commented jokes

Dear [Name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply...

• Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
• Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
• The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
• Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
• You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
• Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
• Your legs are skinnier than mine.
• You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
• You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
• You have a hairy back.
• I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
• The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
• The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
• You still live with your parents.
• Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
• Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
• Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
• Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
• Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
• I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything!"
"Don't worry, Honey," said her mom.
"But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell!"
"Don't worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"

One day a guy and a girl were making out in the guy's car in the girl's driveway. They began to get pretty hot and heavy when the guy reached into his pants and placed his cock in her hand.

She froze, jumped up and said, "I've got two words for you, DROP DEAD!"

Then he said, "I've got two words for you, LET GO!".

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure; how's yours?" Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!" "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"

The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:

- Husband: Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?

- Ex-: Over my dead body!

- Husband: You haven't changed a bit

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."