Relationships — most commented jokes

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"

The dad thinks for a second, "Of course son, we're a family."

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on Dad!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?'

He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.'

She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!'

He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!'

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here", she said. "This came in the mail today".

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

Redneck's Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green.
My Dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so danged lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

Yo're as graceful as okry
jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we's in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well I'm in hawg heaven.
I'm plumb out of my wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you are my woman.
I can't ask fer more.

Like a good roll of Duct Tape
Yo're there for yore man
To patch up life's toubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud.
Yet fragile as that singer
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a Junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
On which I oft treat.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like my Rattletrap Shad.
(A fishing lure.)

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete.
There ain't nothin' I lack.

Yore complexion's perfection
Like the best vinly sidin',
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks
and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a cold RC drank.
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart.
It's romatic that way.

Some men, they git roses
On that special day
From a coller at Food World.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"A diamond's forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this feller, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You old sweet thang, you.

I got you a gift without taste nor odor.
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't freakin' think so!