Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
→ Marriage.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.

Then she wispered in his ear:

- I guess I'm just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.

Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said:

- You don't have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said:

- Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said:

- did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife:

- I don't think anyone ever did?

"Well," she snapped:

- then where did you ever get the idea!!!

A man frantically calls 911 and says:

- help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart.

- 911: Is this her first child?

- Man: Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.

- We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her.

The englishman grabbed the gun.

- Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good.

He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying:

- We've been maried too long. I just cant do it.

So he was booted out.

The frenchman grabbed the gun.

- If I must, I must.

He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying:

- I love her too much. I just can't do it.

So he was booted out.

So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell.

- That fucking bitch is really going to get it.

Gun shots went off until there was no more shots left. He was still in the room and all of a sudden, there was banging and scrapping and crashing and then silence. The ukranian came out with cuts and briuses all over his face.

The agent asked:

- What the hell happened in there?

The Ukranian replied:

- Some fucker put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the bitch!

This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says:

- hello hello hello

And the wife says:

- what, aren't you talking to me!

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

- Brian: Yeah, sure.

- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

- Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

- Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

- Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?

- Brian: Yeah, alright.

- Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

- Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

- Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

- Sharelle: Hi Brian.

- Brian: Hi Sharelle.

- Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

- Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

- Sharelle: O.K.

- Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

- Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

- Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

- Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

- Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?

- Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

- Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

- Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

- Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

- Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

- Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

- Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence