Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

- Hurry! - she said:

- stand in the corner.

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

- Don't move until I tell you to - she whispered.

- Just pretend you're a statue.

- What's this, honey? - the husband inquired as he entered the room.

- Oh, it's just a statue - she replied nonchalantly.

- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

- Here - he said to the 'statue':

- eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

- The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says:

- My God!... What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead!

A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.

He says:

- Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.

He's really embarrassed...

The guy in line behind him says:

- Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said...'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked:

- What'd you do that fer?

- That's fer fifty years of bad sex - she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked:

- What was that fer?

- That - said her husband as he began to rock again, is fer knowin' the difference!

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

- Man: What's the problem officer?

- Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

- Man: No sir, I was going 65.

- Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

- Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells:

- Shut your damn mouth!

Officer turns to the woman and asks:

- Ma'am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?

- Wife: No, only when he's drunk!

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:

- Zelda, you've always been by my side

- When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side

- When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side

- When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side

- When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side

- And now when I'm dying; you are at my side............

- Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said:

- That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.

- Well, we were married for 25 years!

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared:

- just as I do at the dinner table!

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.

- Yes - replied the girl:

- much better.

- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.

- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

- Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?

- The Guy: Yeah, I'm really depressed

- Bartender: Why, what's the matter?

- The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

- Bartender: Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?

- The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over

- Bartender: That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

- The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard:

- Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.