Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost fucking impossible!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

What does "WIFE" stand for?
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A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully:

- You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying...

She squeezed his hands as he continued:

- When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply....

He continued:

- Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.

- Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me...

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband:

- And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...

- There's something I'd really like to say to you...

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said:

- You're a friggin jinx!

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said:

- Honey be very careful when you drive the ball-don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said:

- I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright let's go up there, apologize, and see how much that's going to cost.

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say:

- Come on in.

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side on the foyer. A man on the couch said:

- Are you the people that broke the window?

- Uh yeah. Sorry about that - the husband replied.

- No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.

- OK great! - the husband said.

- I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.

- No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want? - the genie said, looking at the wife.

- I want a house in every country of the world - she said.

- Consider it done. - the genie replied.

- And what's your wish genie? - the husband said.

- Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle, I havn't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looks at the wife and said:

- Well we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it would be alright.

The genie took the wife upstairs, and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said:

- How old is your husband, anyway?

- 35. - she replied.

- And he still believes in genies??? That's amazing!

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife:

- Where's the rake?

She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says:

- What?!

She says:

- I left tit behind the bush.

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says:

- You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?

She says:

- I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says:

- Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?

She says:

- Your name never came up!

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.

After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.

She slowly spread her legs ...

- Honey would you like some of this? - she asked enticingly.

- Hell no! - he gasped, look what it's done to your underwear!

- I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love - the husband told the counselor.

- Has she started to neglect you?

- Not at all - the dejected man replied.

- She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch.

- So what's the problem?

- Maybe I'm just being too sensitive - the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers:

- Die! Die, you son of a bitch!