Random joke from this category
Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around & told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:
- When did you bag him?
The host said proudly:
- That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.
- What's he stuffed with - asked the visiting hunter.
- My ex-wife - replied the hunter.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says:
- Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says:
- Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!
Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.
This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign that says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". So the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.
- Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life - he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother, who replies:
- Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
- Defendant: Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.
- Judge: Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?
- Defendant: No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said:
- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?
- Are you kidding? - said St. Peter.
- It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!
A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.
He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.
Dear Abby:
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.
I don't know what to do.
Signed Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
- How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again:
- Did you hear me??!!
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says:
- Who is this?
