Random joke from this category
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:
- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?
- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff, the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself:
- Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself:
- Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself:
- Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
- Sir, what happened? - asked Jeff.
- You married a nurse.
- Son, don't ever marry a nurse - the man sourly replied.
- All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
- What happened? - Jeff asked with surprise.
- Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.
- Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator - the man groaned.
- All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
- My goodness sir, what happened to you? - Jeff asked, fearing the worst.
- Did you have a fight?
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied:
- No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.
- All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'.
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:
- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.
His buddy said:
- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!
So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:
- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?
- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
- Louise - he moaned - tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?
- Even worse - she said, her voice oozing scorn.
- You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.
- He's an asshole - John said.
- Piss on him.
- You did - came the reply.
- And he fired you.
- Well, screw him! - said John.
- I did. You're back at work on Monday.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.
His friend says:
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
- So did anything happen?
- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.
- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.
- Then what happened? - says the man.
- I don't know. It was too dark to see.
- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.
- An ambulance just drove by.
A few moments passed.
- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.
- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.
- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
- Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months - the wife says, - I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
- Then, when I get to work - she continues, - I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore.
- Yes, I see - replies the doctor.
- So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked:
- Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?
- I had tolio as a child - he answered.
- You mean polio? - she asked.
- No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
- What's wrong with your knees? - She asked.
- They're all lumpy and deformed!
- As a child, I also had kneasles - he explained.
- You mean measles? - she asked.
- No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
- Don't tell me - she said.
- Let me guess.. Smallcox?
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
- Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.
- If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.
