Random joke from this category
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
Ad seen in the New York Times...
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:
- I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me.
The husband says:
- WHAT???
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says:
- but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says:
- I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.
The husband says:
- no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.
The wife face goes blank.
- No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says:
- You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him:
- Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?
- Not at all, Ma'am - the manager replied.
- It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said:
- Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?
- My darling - he replied.
- I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
- That's okay, honey - I said.
- You still have me.
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
- Yes - she wailed.
- but you don't work either!
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses.
- You know, honey - she said sweetly.
- Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.
- Honey - he replied with a grin.
- Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down - torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers:
- The weather out there is terrible.
To which she sleepily replies:
- Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend:
- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!
- What happened? - asked the friend.
- My wife found out..
- Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
- Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:
- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!
Martha replies:
- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?
The man responds:
- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
