Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

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The Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

- How was work, dear? - his wife asks.

- Listen! I don't want to talk about work! - he shouts.

- Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? - she asks sweetly.

- Listen! - he shouts again.

- I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...

- Well, I guess it's that time of the month!

The Healthy Patient

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him:

- You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died? - The 60 year old responded

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was surprised and asked:

- How old is he and is he very active?

The 60 year old responded:

- Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.

The doctor couldn't believe it:

- Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 60 year old responded again:

- Who said he was dead?

The doctor was astonished. He said:

- You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?

The 60 year old said:

- He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that - said the patient

- my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.

The doctor said:

- At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?

His patient looked up at the doctor and said:

- Who said he wanted to?

Auction Dreams

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that:

- I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

Washing Machine Code

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

- Care to go upstairs and do it? - the husband asked.

- Shh! - said the bride

- All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks:

- I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

- No, I definitely shut it - replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said:

- I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

- No, thanks - said the husband.

- It was only a small load so I did it by hand.

The Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting:

- Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says:

- Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says:

- OK.

- Well - said Paddy - after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded:

- God, that must have hurt!

- Hurt? - Paddy replies.

- He broke three of my fingers!

The Golf Foursome

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday.

- 9.30 okay?

George said:

- Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said:

- Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.

- Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? - one of the foursome asked.

George said:

- Sure if I'm ten minutes late.

Another golfer jumped in:

- Wait a minute... You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.

George said:

- Well, that's true - I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.

- What if she's lying on her back?

George said:

- That's when I'm ten minutes late!

Women's Rights Conference

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said:

- During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb. (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said:

- After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said:

- After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................:

- Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.

Sleeping In Church

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

Anniversary Things Not To Say

  1. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
  2. Today is our what?
  3. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
  4. I thought we only celebrated important events?
  5. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
  6. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
  7. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
  8. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
  9. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
  10. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says:

- That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you.

The first guy responds:

- Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years.