Marriage Jokes — most commented jokes

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

- I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies:

- I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says:

- it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that.

The woman turns to him and smiles and says:

- Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

- Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?

- It's OK - he answers.

- I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.

- Well, then - she replies.

- I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?

- So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain:

- And how's your sex life....

- Infrequently - he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking:

- And is that one word or two?

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

- What the heck did you do that for!?! - the man screams.

- Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?

The man says:

- No I don't, you IDIOT...

- But my wife out in the car still does!

My wife came home yesterday and said:

- Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said:

- You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.

- No, there's definitely water in the carburetor - she insisted.

- OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?

- In the lake!

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- ONE CENT - that's awesome! - exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?

- Certainly, sir - replies the bartender.

- but all that comes to real money.

- How much money? - inquires the guy.

- 4 cents - replies the bartender.

- FOUR cents! - exclaims the guy...

- Where's the Guy who owns this place?

The bartender replies:

- Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says:

- What's he doing with your wife?

The bartender replies...

- Same as I'm doing to his business!

This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.

His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.

A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him:

- Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?

The man replies:

- I'm turning over my mother in law.

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

- Stop! You can't do this! - exclaimed the brother.

- And why not? - asked Stan.

- Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient:

- C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother:

- You're SURE you want a nephew?

- Yes - the brother replied.

- It would be an honor!

- Well congratulations, you're holding him!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

- Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love.

The old man replied:

- I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!