Ethnic — most commented jokes

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese

Chinese Phrase - English Translation

• Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
• Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
• Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
• Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
• Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
• Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
• Kum Hia: Approach me
• Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island
• Lao Ze: Not very good
• Lin Ching: An illegal execution
• Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program
• Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
• Shai Gai: A bashful person
• Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
• Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
• Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
• Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
• Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
• Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
• Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
• Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing"

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.

"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

"No. This is the American Embassy."

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!"

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

• Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
• Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
• Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
• Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
• Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
• Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
• Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
• Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
• Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
• Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
• Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
• Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
• Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
• Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
• Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
• Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
• Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
• Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
• Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
• Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
• Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
• Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
• Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
• Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.
• Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
• Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
• Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
• Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
• Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
• Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
• Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
• Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
• Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
• Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
• Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
• Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.