Ethnic — most commented jokes

Temperatures

• 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
• 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
• 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
• 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.
• 32 degrees - Water freezes.
• 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
• 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
• 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
• 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
• 5 degrees - American cars don't start.
• 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
• -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
• -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
• -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
• -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.
• -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
• -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
• -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
• -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
• -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." She says "Buckwheat is dumb". Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?
→ Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: "WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!"

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: "A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!"

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said:

- Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

- Never Father, I'm Jewish.

- So then, why are you telling me?

- Because I'm telling everybody!

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.

Olie replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. "You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us."

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, "We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me."

A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, "Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!"

What does a black boy get for Christmas?
→ Your Bike.

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"

• Dung On MAI Shu - I stepped in excrement
• Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu - Let's sleep together
• Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
• Fat Ho - An unattractive woman
• Ar U Wun Tu - A gay liberation greeting
• Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
• Chow Mai Dong - Romantic proposition
• Dum Gai - A stupid person
• Wel Hung Gai - Is that a banana in your pocket?
• Won Hung Low - Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
• Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
• Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
• Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
• Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
• Kum Hia - Approach me
• Lao Ze Sho - Gilligan's Island
• Lao Zi - Not very good
• Lin Ching - An illegal execution
• Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
• Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
• Shai Gai - A bashful person
• Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
• Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
• Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
• Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
• Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
• Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
• Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
• Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following: "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."

"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."