Doctor Jokes — most commented jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.

First, fix him three healthy meals a day.

Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.

Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.

"What did the doctor say?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, m'dear," she said, "but he said you're not going to make it."

A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."

She asks, "On my vagina?"

He says, "No. On your nose!"

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. "Here", she said. "This came in the mail today".

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?

I'm Bushed!

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun."

So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly," replies the Doc.

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door."

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A redneck returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the results were.

The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the patient is HIV positive.

"Hell," says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own kids!"

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D.

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"