Random joke from this category
Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."
There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.
The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.
The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.
The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him.
- What's this ? - he asks.
The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000 with it. The guy is really impressed by this but now he has to go away and decide who he will keep. So who do you think he picks ????? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
The one with the biggest BOOBS, of course!
Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill.
- Set up everybody in the place! - he shouts.
The bartender obliges.
Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket.
The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says:
- just set everybody up again.
Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.
Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.
Bartender says:
- explain yourself, or leave.
Guy says:
- Well....
- I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes!
- So my first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill!
- Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!
- Third wish...
- I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!
A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said:
- Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.
- It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted:
- Spit 'em out, they're assholes!
World's Worst Pick-up Lines...
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
- Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says:
- Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?
He said:
- I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight.
She smiled at him and said:
- So what are you thinking now?
He said:
- I think I did a pretty good job!
Why is the White House called the White House?
→ Sperm ain't purple!
What's the definition of strain?
→ Teeth marks in the toilet seat!
A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him:
- Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?
- Other guy - Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
- See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying:
- I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said:
- I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh. And then she socked me one.
- First guy - Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:
- Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.
- But I accidentally said:
- You ruined my life you fuckin' bitch!
