Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
→ The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.

The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.

The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.

When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.

The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".

There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.

The first guy says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's the problem? - asks the doctor.

- I have no dick!

So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The next guy comes in and says:

- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!

- What's wrong? - the doctor asks.

- I have no dick!

The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.

The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.

A week later, the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!

- Why? - asks the doctor.

- Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!

He walks out.

The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says:

- Doctor! I hate you!

- Why? - the doctor asks.

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!

He walks out.

The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says:

- Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!

- Why?

- Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night." So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says:

- To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him.

This fella goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?

The doctor said:

- put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says:

- Drop your pants.

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on. The man then says:

- Doctor it's worked!! What was that?

The doctor replies:

- Lipstick remover

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times. Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky. All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

- Whats wrong? - asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out". "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl. "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. - No - replied the boy - I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says:

- You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

- One day - he begins - I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said:

- Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said:

- You now have 3 wishes.

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said:

- I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked:

- What will be your second wish?

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear:

- You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?

I looked at her and replied:

- How about a little head?

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
→ Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.

He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

- Wow, my first two wishes have come true! - he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!

The first Genie turns to the second and says:

- You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?