Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said:

- My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.

The teacher said:

- That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Sally raised her hand and said:

- My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.

The teacher said:

- Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly:

- My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.

The teacher said:

- That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence.

Little Johnny continued:

- But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

- Say, what's your name, mister? - she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

- It's Snow, Roy Snow, and what's yours? - he answered.

- I'm June, June Hansen - she said.

- Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? - she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

- Can you imagine what it might be like, having eight inches of Snow in June? - he countered with a question of his own.

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. - How long will Ralph be on crutches? - the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."

The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and I will give you an answer."

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, "Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist." She said:

- Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I've read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all.

Preacher says:

- Its right in the book of Matthew. She said:

- No way, I've read that several times and its not mentioned at all!

He said, "It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically...that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!"

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".

What did you have for breakfast?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for lunch?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for supper?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
→ hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said:

- Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex? everybody's doing it these days." The groom says, "yes I have heard about that, but she also has pyorrhea."

The first old man looks at the second old man, and they both nod to each other and offered this advice. "Sonny, in times like this you just might want to roll her over."

The groom says, "I know all about that too, but she's got diarrhea." The two old men look at each other and at the same time they say, "Daggone Sonny...gonorrhea, pyorrhea, diarrhea, what the hell did ya marry her for?!"

He said, "Well she's also got worms,... And I dooo looove to Fish!!"

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

- They last longer and come with a warranty.

- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

- They come in fashion colors.

- You can keep them in maximum zoom.

- They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

- The parts that count are portable.

- They don't mind over-exposure.

- They respond to the slightest touch.

- The one you want is available at a KMART near you

Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:

Here's a little story of a man named John
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife
Pecker that is,
Rodeoed, fillet food

Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend
Curve, that is
Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air
Found, that is
By a fence, evidence

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a d***-doc said:

- Hey, I can fix your d**g!

A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need
Then the world held it's breath till they heard that John peed
Whizzed, that is
Stitched seam, straight stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
Video, that is,
Unexposed, case closed

21 Slogans To Help Promote Safe Sex

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong when you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it
8. If you think she's spunky cover your money
9. If you slip between her things, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you're going into heat, package your meat
13. When you're undressing your venus dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants & blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, Never deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in oil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. NO GLOVE NO LOVE!