Dirty Jokes — most commented jokes

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...
   I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....
   I found your cat...
   Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
   Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick doc said:

- Hey, I can fix that dong!

- A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need

And the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

- You're the first man I've seen after months at sea - she coos.

- I'll do anything you want.

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

- Great - he says.

- Will you walk my dog for me?

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said:

- I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven.

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts:

- I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo.

- Very good! - says St. Peter, Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?

Keats just smiled and started his poem:

- Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks;

- Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

- Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!

Then the old man points out the window.

- Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says:

- But ya fuck one goat......

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

- Did you see what your monkey did now? - he asks.

- Now what? - responds the patron.

- Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! - says the barkeeper.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male:

- They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.

- A better model is just around the corner.

- They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

- It's always essential to have a backup.

- They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

- The best part of having one is the games you can play.

- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

- The lights are on but nobody's home.

- Big power surges knock them out at night.

- Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female:

- They're oh so picky, picky, picky.

- They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

- Beauty is only shell deep.

- When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.

- They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

- They are always turning simple statements into big productions.

- Small talk is important.

- You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

- They make you take the garbage out.

- Miss a period and they go wild.

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:

- Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out:

- Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

- Penis van Lesbian - the man replied proudly.

- Well - said the director.

- we'll have to change that.

- Oh - the young man said.

- I could never change my name. It's my heritage.

- Well - said the director.

- if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business.

The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

- Do you remember me - asked the young man?

- Yes, I do - said the director.

- I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.

- Well, I finally took your advice - the young man said.

- I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.

- I told you so - the director replied.

- And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?

- Dick van Dyke.

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for...their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row...all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy...this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said:

- He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!