Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?
→ If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.

An 82 year old man marries an 18 year old woman, she becomes pregnant. The 82 year old man goes to the Dr. to see what the DR had to say about the wife being pregnant. The DR. said let me tell you a story about this 82 year old man I know, This man went hunting every hunting season his whole life, never missed an event. One year he got ready to go hunting and grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun. He got to the beaver pond and saw a bever pulled up the umbrella and said pow pow and the beaver fell over dead. The Dr. asked the 82 year old patient what he thought happened to the beaver and the patient said I think someone else shot the beaver.

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
→ Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish...

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds". The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, "Does this bar serve lawyers?"

"Of course we do," replied the bartender.

"Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator."

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Pete was sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a 6-foot-tall cockroach standing on his doorstep. The cockroach punched Pete between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, Pete was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. This time, he hit Pete in the stomach and karate chopped him on the back before running away.

The third evening, Pete was again sitting at home when he heard the doorbell. He answered the door and for the third time the cockroach was there. It leapt at him and managed to stab him several times before running off.

The gravely injured Pete was barely able to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He stopped by Pete's hospital room and asked him what happened. Pete explained about the 6-foot-tall cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near-fatal stabbing.

The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around!"