Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.

- We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

- That's nothing - an American replied.

- We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.

Luckily, the bears were still there.

- He's in THAT one! - cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.

- What did you do that for?! - exclaimed the lawyer - I said he was in the other bear!

- Exactly - replied the sheriff. - Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

- Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

- Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer:

- Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?

The farmer replied:

- No, I didn't knowed that.

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said:

- To Memphis.

The cop said:

- I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said:

- I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis

and to this the farmer replied:

- I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus.

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.

When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly:

- I'm looking for LOVE.

The policeman arrested her on the spot.

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. The jailbird said to the fly:

- When you and I get out of here, we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. He said to the bartender:

- What about this fly, eh?

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. - Glad you saw it - muttered the bartender.

- Blasted things are everywhere.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:

- What's your name?

- Clarence - said the bird.

- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.

- What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said:

- The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman:

- That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.

While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

The man replied:

- Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside:

- You skin this one while I go and get another!