Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

- Both look stupid in hats.

- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

- Both tend to have "hip" problems.

- Neither understand football.

- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

- Neither believe that silence is golden.

- Both constantly want back rubs.

- Neither can balance a checkbook.

- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

- Both put too much value on kissing.

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

- It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

- Women look good in sweaters.

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says:

- What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?

The old guy says in reply:

- Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . .

Dog Rules...

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says:

- Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"

"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

- We just tell them they're going to die.

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first:

- I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork.

The second:

- I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!

The third (who was looking pretty smug):

- I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since.

What do you call a smart blond?
→ A golden retriever!

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

- You're the first man I've seen after months at sea - she coos.

- I'll do anything you want.

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

- Great - he says.

- Will you walk my dog for me?