Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no. The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks:

- Well isn't there anything that you can give me?

The bartender says:

- I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says:

- Sure I can talk!

The guy thinks for a second and then says:

- I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.

The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

- Parrot: Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!

- Man: Then what happened after that?

- Parrot: They started taking each other's clothes off.

- Man: And then what? (getting more angry)

- Parrot: Your wife started jacking him off!

- Man: What next? (really steamed by this time)

- Parrot: She started giving him a blow job!

- Man: And what then, did they do anything else?

- Parrot: I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a 'professional smart person' by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.

1. How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator?
   → Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.

2. How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator?
   → Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

3. The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend?
   → The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.

4. You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it?
   → You swim across. All of the animals are attending the animal meeting.

What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
→ Lipstick.

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
→ He's the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Italian is there?
→ He bet on the duck.

How do you know if the Mafia is there?
→ The duck wins.

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.

It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other:

- We'll have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks:

- But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says:

- We'll just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says:

- You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says:

- Help me, help me.

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.

Replies the elephant:

- Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant:

- Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy:

- Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

- What the %$*& is so funny? - asked one of the scientist.

- You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked:

- Hey! What do you have in the bag?

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says:

- Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one.

The man says:

- I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them.