Animal Jokes — most commented jokes

Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.
→ Because they travel in schools.

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper says:

- Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk:

- Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting:

- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated:

- I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.

The guy says:

- Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says:

- What about that little stable over there? What's that for?

- Well - says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment:

- you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence:

- PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon.

- Tell me, is the camel free this afternoon - the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear.

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative:

- How about I schedule you in for 2:00?

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

- Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?

What does a bee do with it's stinger before he goes to bed???
→ He put's it in his honey!!

What's the difference between a porcupine and the White House?
→ With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
→ It's butt!

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter:

- You got any grapes?

Guy at the counter says:

- No, we don't have any grapes.

Duck says:

- okay. - and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says:

- You got any grapes?

The man once again replies:

- No! We do not have any grapes.

The duck says:

- Okay. - and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks:

- You got any grapes?

The man is very annoyed and says:

- No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!

The duck replies:

- Okay, - and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks:

- You got any nails?

The man at the counter says:

- No.

The duck says:

- Well then, you got any grapes?

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
→ Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
→ Tame way, unique up on him.

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."