Most commented jokes

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers:

- We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend.

- Why of course - the Lieutenant answers.

- Just one thing - says the lady.

- Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there.

- Why of course - the Lieutenant answers.

On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed.

- Why, why, there must be some mistake - she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.

- Why heck no, ma'am - he replies.

- Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!

There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she say's:

- my hands are really cold, how can I warm them up?

Her mother say's:

- Put them between your legs, that will warm them up.

So she does, and her mother was right.

The next day the girl is riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are cold, so the girl say's:

- Put them between my legs, that will warm them up.

So he does, and his hands get warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy. The day after that he say's:

- My dick is really cold

and the girl says:

- Put it between my legs and warm it up.

So he does.

She's talking to her mother the next day and she asks:

- Mom have you ever heard of a penis?

Her mother says:

- Yes, why do you ask?

She says I don't know what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer!" The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive!" Not to be out done, the Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!"

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket. The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's testicles." The American woman says, "That big?" The Iranian woman says, "No...that dirty."

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave, who had only one feather in his headdress:

- Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?

His reply was:

- Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather.

She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied:

- Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief:

- Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said:

- Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all.

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated:

- You ought to be hung!

The Chief replied:

- You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake.

Ms. Walters cried:

- You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!

The Chief replied:

- Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried:

- Oh dear.

The Chief said:

- No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.

He went into the confession booth and told the Father:

- Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.

The Father said:

- Tell me who the lady was.

The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.

- Was it Mollie O'Grady? - asked the Father.

- No.

- Was it Rosie Kelly?

- No.

- Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?

- No.

- Well then - said the Father - You'll not be forgiven.

When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked:

- So, did you find forgiveness.

- No - said the other - but I picked up three good prospects!

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him. "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt, then let it go. "Oh, it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."

A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back:

- CHING... CHANG... CHUN...

The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on.

- Oh - said the chinee - magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters.

- Wow - said the negro - can I try it?

- Certainly - replied the chinaman.

The negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a mighty heave across the waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back:

- CHIM... PAN... ZEE....

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?

He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.

He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.

The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.

The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

- Why of course - comes the reply.

The first man then asks:

- Where are you from?

- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.

The first man responds:

- You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks:

- Where in Ireland are you from?

- Dublin - comes the reply.

- I can't believe it - says the first man.

- I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.

- Of course - replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:

- What school did you go to?

- Saint Mary's - replies the second man - I graduated in '62.

- This is unbelievable! - the first man says.

- I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

- What's been going on? - he asks the bartender.

- Nothing much - replies the bartender.

- The O'Mally twins are drunk again.