A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
- Nurse: What is it?
- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
- Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
- Nurse: No. Is it missing?
- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
- Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
- Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
- Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
- Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
- Doctor: Oh, really?
- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
- Excuse me - he said, have you lost something?
- No - replied one of the doctors.
- We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.
- Didn't you see the arrow, buddy? - he asked.
- An arrow? - the confused driver said.
- I didn't even see the Indians
- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
- Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.
- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
