The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said:
- It's my turn.
- What do you mean, your turn? - yelled the husband.
- In bed - she explained - you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn.
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
- Well, Your Honor - she replied coolly - I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said:
- If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said:
- You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said:
- I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
- No thank you - she said politely - This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.
- That must be rather difficult - the man replied.
- Oh, I don't mind too much - she said - But, it has my husband pretty upset.
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
- Amazing - said the shocked husband - simply amazing! I just can't believe it.
- What can't you believe? - asked the detective - It's all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log.
- I know, I know! - said the man, still in shock - I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun.
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from:
- America - the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded:
- She's not from the States.
- Yes I am. - said the wife.
He looked at her and asked:
- Is he your husband?
- Yes. - she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered:
- I'll give you 100 camels for her.
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied:
- She's not for sale.
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied:
- I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. - That's terrible!!! - said her husband - What would you like to do during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.
- Well - she said - First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long!
- Gee, Honey. - said her husband - I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked:
- You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
- Why?
- Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice:
- Father - he said - I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
His father replied:
- Don't you love this girl?
- Oh yes, very much - he said - but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.
- No problem - said dad - all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed. Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.
- Mom - she said - When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.
- Honey - her mother consoled - everyone has bad breath in the morning.
- No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.
Her mother said simply:
- Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.
- I shouldn't say good morning or anything? - the daughter asked.
- Not a word - her mother affirmed.
- Well, it's certainly worth a try - she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks:
- What on earth are you doing?
- Oh, my - he replies - you've swallowed my sock!
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass."
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran
How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
→ Studying their Miranda Rights.
