Most commented jokes

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.

- Leave only one quart of milk - she said.

- Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow.

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

He began:

- Mrs. Roth, was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?

- Well... yeah... I guess... - she replied.

- And when was that? - pressed the attorney.

- Well... - she replied.

- when he asked for his third cup.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says:

- maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation:

- I now pronounce you man and wife.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried:

- What are we going to do?

- Nothing - said the hunter husband.

- The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks:

- Where ya going boy?

The son smiled and replied:

- I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue.

The Father said:

- When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern.

- Sure Pa, I know. - the boy said.

- And look what you got!

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.

Finally, he came up for air and said:

- But enough about me. Let's talk about you.

She breathed a sigh of relief.

He went on:

- What do you think about me?

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says:

- Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.

- Good idea - she says.

- While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine.

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk:

- I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

But this isn't an engagement ring. - the young lady protested.

- Why it's just a tiny unset diamond.

Yeah! I know. - said the fellow.

- And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are.