Most commented jokes

Falwell And Clinton

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust:

- Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:

- I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice...

Theatrical Terms

I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance". Well, even these days I don't have a lot of trouble with that.

But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and tuffer.

Banana Bread Recipe

Ingredients:

  • 2 Laughing Eyes
  • 2 Loving Arms
  • 2 Well Shaped Legs
  • 2 Firm Milk Containers
  • 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
  • 2 Large Nuts
  • 1 Large Banana

Method:

  1. Look into Loving Eyes.
  2. Fold in Loving Arms.
  3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.
  4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
  5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
  6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.

The Big Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

  1. Passionate Lady
  2. Bare Belly
  3. Silk Panties
  4. Conscience
  5. Jockey Shorts
  6. Clean Sheets
  7. Thighs
  8. Big Johnson
  9. Heavy Bosum
  10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosum is being pressured.

Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head.

Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

Mosquito On The Windshield

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?"

Five Boxes For A Dollar

A young woman stops into her local pharmacy to pick a supply of tampons for herself. She goes to the aisle where they are located and sees they are priced at five boxes for one dollar. Thinking this is a misprint; she finds a clerk and asks if this can possibly be the correct price. The clerk replies, "Yes it is the correct price. For one week only, you can purchase five boxes of tampons for one dollar, no strings attached."

A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

- I'm not getting out of bed at this time - he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

- Aren't you going to answer that? - says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

- Hi there - slurs the stranger.

- Can you give me a push??

- No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed - says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

- Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??

- But the guy was drunk - says the husband.

- It doesn't matter - says the wife.

- He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do.

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

- Hey, do you still want a push??

and he hears a voice cry out:

- Yeah please.

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:

- Where are you?

And the stranger replies:

- I'm over here, on your swing.

Rooftop Sunbathing

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

- Excuse me, miss - said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

- The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.

- What difference does it make - Joan asked rather calmly.

- No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.

- Not exactly - said the embarrassed little man.

- You're lying on the dining room skylight.

Queen Meets President

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained:

- Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied:

- Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.