Most commented jokes

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Oprectomy

KENMORE HOSPITAL
61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
BOSTON, MA. 02115

DATE:____________
NAME:
ADDRESS:

Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for _______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty outlook on life.

Sincerely,
J. Grabber, M.D.
Kenmore Hospital

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

- I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

- What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor.

- You're not eating properly.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

- I'm 90 years old - he says.

- 90! - replies the woman.

- Don't you realize you've had it?

- Oh, sorry - says the old man.

- how much do I owe you?

A question for Bill Clinton:

- What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?

→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across

What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

A guy says:

- I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.

- Yeah what happened? asked his friend.

- Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
→ To put your gum in on the way down.