Most commented jokes

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish - she asks:

- will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says:

- No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?

- Osama Bin Laden - she says.

- Why Osama Bin Laden - her father asks in shock.

Well, she says:

- I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride:

- Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.

Melissa says:

- I know, and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him.

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

There were:

- No Taxes

- No Debt

- Plenty buffalo

- Plenty beaver

- Medicine man free

- Women did all the work

- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.

This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.

I don't know what to do.

Signed Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
→ "Not according to Dad."

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says:

- No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other:

- My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks:

- Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?

The father replies without hesitating:

- Oh, about ten percent.

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

- Ma, the results are in. I won the election!

- Honestly?

The politician's smiled faded.

- Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?

WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS!

If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive citizen.

Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
President
United States of America

P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.