An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
- All set back here, Captain - came the reply.
- except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!
- Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? - he cried.
- I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!
- Well - she said.
- when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!
How are lawyers like sperm?
→ One out of a million turns out to be a human being.
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks:
- Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?
The coroner says:
- No.
The attorney then asks:
- Did you listen for a heart beat?
- No.
- So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says:
- Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
→ Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!
Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche and a porcupine?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside!
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said:
- We've been waiting a long time for you.
- What do you mean - he replied.
- I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?
- 45? You're not 45, you're 82 - replied the angel.
- Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.
- Hold on. Let me go check - said the angel and disspeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.
- Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82...
What is 1 + 2?
- Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.
- Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.
- Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.
Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet underground?
→ Because deep down, they are really nice guys.
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked:
- Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?
The devil answered:
- We have all of the judges.
