"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank:
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend:
- I'm a walking economy.
The friend asks:
- How so?
- My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager:
- I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.
The banker said:
- Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted:
- Can you float alone?
- Obviously - the banker replied, but this is a heck of a time to talk business.
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him:
- Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!
- Really? - he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says:
- Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?
The clerk replies:
- Canned or frozen?
Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:
- We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?
The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:
- You're in a balloon!
The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:
- That man must be a manager.
- Why?
- Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!
