Most commented jokes

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies.

- I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

The second Englishman remarked:

- You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.

- You're right. He's unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked:

- Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

- Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.

Harlez-vous français?
→ CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?

Cogito Eggo Sum.
→ I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.

Rigor morris.
→ THE CAT IS DEAD.

Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
→ HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.

Que sera serf.
→ LIFE IS FEUDAL.

Posh mortem.
→ DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

Pro Bozo publico
→ SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.

Après Moe le deluge.
→ LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.

Haste cuisine.
→ FAST FRENCH FOOD.

Veni, vidi, vice.
→ I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.

Mazel ton.
→ TONS OF LUCK.

Aloha oy.
→ LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.

Visa la France.
→ DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.

L'état, c'est moo.
→ I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.

Cogito, ergo spud.
→ I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM. (OK, more than 1 letter.)

Veni, vidi, velcro
→ I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND. (OK, another exception.)

- Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

- How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

- If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

- If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

- If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

- If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

- If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

- In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

- Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

- Is there another word for a synonym?

- Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

- What is another word for "thesaurus"?

- Where do swear words come from?

- Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

- Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

- Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

- Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

- Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

- Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

- Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

- Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

- Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

- Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

- Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

- Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

- Why is abbreviation such a long word?

- Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

- Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

- Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

- Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

- Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

- Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

- Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

- Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The Aggies replied:

- we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long.

- Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

- Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

- Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

- Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

- Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

- Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

- Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

- Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

- Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

- Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

- Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

- Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

- Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

- Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

- Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

- Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

- Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

- Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

- Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

- Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

- Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

- Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

- Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

- Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

- Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

- Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

- Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

- Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

- Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

- Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

- Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

- Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

- Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

- Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

- Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

- Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:

- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive.

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

- Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!

I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes,
at least butts I can find!!

So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics
was staring at me.

But I didn't care.
I had to get on line!
Check my mail,
and see what buddies I can find.

I drew a crowd
as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password
no matter how hard I tried!

I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places,
check out some cool pics.

The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low,
"We have ourselves a Psycho here
and she has got to go!"

Security rushed over.
Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered
from AOL withdrawal.

He slapped cuffs on my wrists
and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said,
"Don't come round here no more!"

I feel so embarrassed!!
I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart....
How low can I go?

So I'll try really hard now
to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits
and my AOL addiction!