Most commented jokes

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde:

- What is Easter?

The blonde replies:

- Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...

- Wrong!, You must go to HELL - replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question:

- What is Easter?

The second blonde replies:

- Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks:

- What is Easter?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes:

- I know what Easter is.

- Oh? - says St. Peter, incredulously.

- Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues:

- Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

- The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (nothing wrong with this one).

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

- Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

- Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

- You are always late to meetings.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

- You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

- You have never backed up your hard drive.

- You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.

- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

- You know what http:// stands for.

- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.

- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

- You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.

- You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.

- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

- You window shop at Radio Shack.

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

- Your checkbook always balances.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.

- Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.

- You've already calculated how much you make per second.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
An' all ower de hood
ereybody wuz' sleepin'
Dey wuz sleepin' good
We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That ol Sanna Clause
Be bringin' our check
All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Dance tru' dey heads
I passed out inna' flo
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk:

- It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho
And what did I see
I said:

- Lawd look at dat!!

Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite
Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knowed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see
He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself:

- Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!

He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun' my neck
But he not leevin no prezents
Jus stealing my shit
Got my drugs, got my guns
Got my crack pipe...still lit!

Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da window he flewed
I woudda' tried to cut him
But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda' mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat sum of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

Murry Crimmus

Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

He also was quite a spiritual person. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Enlightenment Quiz

1. Yin and ......... A) Yout B) Tonic C) Yenta D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is ........ A) A Jewish Buddhist B) All of the above C) None of the above D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see....... A) A blue pearl B) Nothing C) Everything D) How would I know?
4. Lao-Tsu is....... A) Shrimp with fried rice B) The Atman Brothers C) A Japanese word for sneeze D) Someone you should know about
5. Jivatman and Atman merge to become....... A) Jivatmanatman B) The Atman Brothers C) Jivatman & Atman Inc. D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman
6. The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is: A) Oneness B) Twoness C) Penpalness D) Just good friends
7. Which of the following is not a name of the Lord? A) Jehova B) Elohim C) Yahweh D) Charlton Heston
8. If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get....... A) A Swogi B) A Salami C) Yogurt D) Heartburn
9. Carlos Castaneda is: A) A flamenco dancer B) A resort near San Juan C) A mystery D) The guitarist for Santana
10. Om Mani Padme Om means: A) O Manny, pardon my home B) Money talks, nobody walks in C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you're sorry
11. The sound of one hand clapping is: A) Very quiet B) Similar to smiling with one lip C) A Zen record shop D) Like the "p" in swimming
12. Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to: A) Eenie meenie B) Halloweenie C) Harry Houdini D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13. The Tao Te Ching is: A) The new premier of China B) A new record by Cheech and Chong C) I Ching's older brother D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York
14. You arrive at a party and your host says, "Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience." He means: A) "Have a good time" B) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs" C) "I just completed EST training" D) Nothing anyone would understand
15. If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?
16. If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17. If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?

True-False

- Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.

- Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays.

- Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.

- The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.

Score
0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.
10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.
15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.
20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness

[Where do you find the answer key? AH - that is the REAL test.....]

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Happy Holidays to one and all!

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13. "Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported."
14. "Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error."
15. "We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country."
16. "Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry."
17. "Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!"
18. "In Thursday's edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message..."
19. "This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater."
20. "Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken."
21. "It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur 'Genius Grant.'"
22. "Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion."
23. "Our article describing O.J. Simpson as 'slashing out' over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo..."
24. "As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store."

and Top5's Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998...

1. "Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday."

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.