Most commented jokes

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid:

- Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid said:

- Yeah.

The cop said:

- Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said:

- By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humoring the kid, the cop said:

- Yeah, he sure did.

The kid said:

- Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

- Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year:

- Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter #1:

- Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter #2:

- Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter #3:

- God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner", Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

Letter #4:

- God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike! Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter:

- Ask him where da money is.

The interpreter signs:

- Where's the money?

The deaf man replies:

- I don't know what you're talking about.

The interpreter tells the hood:

- He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.

- Now ask him where the money is!

The interpreter signs:

- Where is the money?

The deaf man replies:

- The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.

The interpreter says to the hood:

- He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger.

Things never to say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says:

- Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading a book - she replies (thinking it was obvious).

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading - she replies.

- Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up - the warden says.

- If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault - says the woman.

- But I haven't even touched you! - says the game warden.

- That's true, but you have all the equipment.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

- I sure do - he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

- Wow! - said his friend - Where did you get that monster lighter?

- I got it from my genie.

- You have a genie?

- Yes, right here in my golf bag.

- Could I see him?

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie:

- Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?

- Yes I will - the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner:

- I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!

He answers:

- I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says:

- I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying:

- Look, I just made two people really happy.

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged:

- Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says:

- I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks:

- What do two plus two equal?

The mathematician replies:

- Four.

The interviewer asks:

- Four, exactly?

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says:

- Yes, four, exactly.

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question:

- What do two plus two equal?

The accountant says:

- On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question:

- What do two plus two equal?

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says:

- What do you want it to equal?