There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang:
- Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!
So Dr. Chang said:
- Take off all yu cwothes.
So she did. Then he said:
- Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.
So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said:
- I know what wong with yu... Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!
The lady asked:
- What the heck is that?!
Dr. Chang replied:
- Dat's wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt!
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk!
Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
→ When they came over to this country, they had "To NY" stamped on their foreheads.
A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks:
- Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?
The Saudi replies:
- Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?
The Russian replies:
- Excuse me, what's meat?
The North Korean replies:
- Excuse me, what's an opinion?
Finally, the American replies:
- What's 'Excuse me?'
What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?
→ A ride on lawn-mower.
Why the British are superior to Americans:
One day, a Newfoundlander was rowing his boat back home after catching some fish singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". Meanwhile, some aliens decided to test his intelligence.
They took out 1/4 of his brain and still he sang, "Row, Row, Row Your Boat". They took out another 1/4 of his brain, and still he sang "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
They finally took all of his brains out. The Newfoundlander shook a bit, then started singing "Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques...
HEAVEN Vs. HELL
Heaven: An American salary. A British home. Chinese food. A Japanese wife.
Hell: A Chinese salary. A Japanese home. British food. An American wife.
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.
As he sipped down his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry native Indian stomped up to him and said:
- One more remark like that and I'll whip your butt!
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin' head!
A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
- Was it the nuns that did it? - the father asked. The boy shook his head and said:
- No.
- Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?
- No.
- The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?
- No - said the son.
- On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business!
Take the test...
NO CHEATING!
What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs?
Got your guess ready yet?
GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!
They shake hands!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
John Hopkins Medical Center is reporting an unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department:
A child was born with both male and female organs.
A penis and a brain!
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. (Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.)
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
How To Impress a Woman:
- Compliment her
- Cuddle her
- Kiss her
- Tease her
- Comfort her
- Hug her
- Send her flowers
- Wine and dine her
- Listen to her
- Care for her
- Hold her
- Support her
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked..... with beer.
