Most commented jokes

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

- On a woman - the doctor said.

- your heart would be just below your left breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

- How many people here believe in ghosts?

About 90 students raise their hands.

- Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?

About 40 students raise their hands.

- That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

- That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

3 students raise their hands.

- That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says:

- Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says:

- Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost.

The student replies:

- Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked:

- Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked:

- Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked:

- Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?

- Oh, no! - the little girl replied.

- Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.

A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.

K - KISS: Mom's medicine.

L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

M - MAYBE: No.

N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".

U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.

Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked:

- Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded:

- There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about.

The woman responded:

- PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied:

- Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!.

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.

The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says, "you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".

So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"

The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

IN PRISON...
You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...
You get three meals a day.

AT WORK.....
You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...
You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.....
You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...
A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK.....
You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...
You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.....
You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...
You get your own toilet.

AT WORK.....
You have to share.

IN PRISON...
They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK.....
You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...
All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK.....
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...
You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...
There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK.....
They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON...
You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK.....
You get fired if you get caught.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

- Jeeves - she said.

- Take off my dress.

He did this carefully.

- Jeeves - she continued.

- Take off my stockings and garter.

He silently obeyed her.

- Jeeves - she then said.

- Remove my bra and panties.

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said:

- Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!