Most commented jokes

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:

- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:

- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!

With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied:

- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.

- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.

- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

- Dad, can I ask you something?

- Sure! What about?

- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one.

- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?

- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?

- No!

- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.

- Nope!

- It will be just proper at my age...

- I said no way...!

- But all of my friends wear...

- Timmy! How many times shall I tell you that bras are for girls!?

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied:

- When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said:

- Take this and eat it, for it is my body. He did not say:

- Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

MACINTOSH stands for...

Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.

A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.

He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.

Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.

When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said:

- This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands.

- My wife's gone to the West Indies.

- J'ya make'er?

- No, Barbados.

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

- There - he said - Maybe he'll cool off in there.

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer:

- If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

- If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?

OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
→ The brunette, because the other two don't exist!

There are three guys named Manners, Shutup, and Crap.

They were really bored, so they decided to run a race. During the race, Crap fell down, and Manners stopped to help him. But Shutup ran so fast the police caught him. Here's how the conversation went:

- Police Officer #1: What's your name?

- Shutup: Shutup.

- Police Officer #2: Where's your manners?

- Shutup: Back there picking up Crap!

If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as you're walking by the annoying someone. Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.

It will eventually drive them slightly insane!

The punchline is:

- And then the president said - But that's not my duck!

What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!