How do you make him stop playing?
→ Put notes on it!
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
→ Pick on someone your own size!
What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
→ Counterpoint.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
→ Give him a sheet of music.
What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
→ A goal post that can't march.
How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
→ A goalpost that can't march.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
→ Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."
What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two flutes playing a unison.
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
→ To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
What is perfect pitch on a flute?
→ When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.
What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
→ One is far more painful to your ears.
What's the name of a good English horn player?
→ I'll tell you when I meet one.
How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.
Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
→ Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.
A man walks into a shop.
- You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?
- You're a drummer, aren't you?
- Yeah. How'd you know?
- This is a travel agency.
Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.
- 200,000 - replies the first guest.
- Well, that's great - says Bob - let's talk about ethereal astro physics.
Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.
Later in the party, someone else is at the door.
- Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?
The new guest responds with:
- 250.
- Great - says Bob. Lets talk about advanced math.
There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?
→ The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
→ So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.
How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
→ The knocking gets slower.
How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
→ The knocking gets faster.
How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
→ The bass player notices.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
What's the definition of a nerd?
→ Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
→ So they can park in the handicap zones.
What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
→ Gifted.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
→ Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
→ You can almost hear them.
What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
→ The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
→ So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
→ Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
→ The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
→ Setting a bassoon on fire.
Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?
→ A bassoon; there's more wood!
How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
→ He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
→ It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.
How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
→ The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
→ You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
→ They make great anchors!
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
→ They make good paddles.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ To get away from the noise.
What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
→ Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
→ Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two bagpipes playing in unison.
What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
What is the definition of an optimist?
→ An accordion player with a pager.
What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
→ The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
→ Their personalities.
What's the range of an accordion?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
What's a gentleman?
It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice...
A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at the equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle." Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"
There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."
A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.
According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.
Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?
80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.
According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys.
What do you call a statistician on drugs?
→ A high flyer.
How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ 1-3, alpha = .05
There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal…
A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.
- Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes.
- 1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!
- Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared.
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.
However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said:
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
