When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed:
- Well, this kid really knows his stuff!
The other replied:
- I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?
So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says:
- You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.
- Wow! - the guy says.
- I never imagined heaven would be this good.
The man in the robe says:
- This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer.
How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
→ He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
→ Stage makeup.
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
→ Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
→ She was known as the deep C diva.
- Haven't I seen your face before? - a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
- You have, Your Honor - the man answered hopefully.
- I gave your son violin lessons last winter.
- Ah, yes - recalled the judge.
- Twenty years!
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says:
- I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?
Max replies:
- Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing 'Sheherezade,' your favorite piece, tomorrow night!
Abe says:
- So what's the bad news?
Max replies:
- Well, you're booked to play the solo!
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.
- There's not much room on this page - he said.
- What shall I write?
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint:
- Write your repertoire.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
→ The bow is moving.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Sit in the back and don't play.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
→ A viola burns longer.
Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
→ It is usually still in the case.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him:
- While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down.
The violist replied:
- You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?
There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
- For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes! - he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied:
- Make me a far better musician than I am now.
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again…
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
- Help! - cried the cellist.
- I can't swim!
- Don't worry - said the violist.
- Just fake it.
At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.
He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.
The oboe player says:
- He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!
- Well? - says the stage manager to the viola player.
- What do you say to that?
In umbrage, the viola player replies:
- He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!
What is a chord?
→ Three violists playing in unison.
What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
→ Music Minus One.
What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
→ You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
→ Half a measure.
What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
→ You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
What is the range of a tuba?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
→ 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
→ The policeman
- Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
- Friend: I hope so.
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."
What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
→ Their personality.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
→ King Kong is more sensitive.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
→ Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
→ Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
→ Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
→ Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.
What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
→ A trombone will bend before it breaks.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
→ It's all in the grip.
What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
→ You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
→ Vibrato.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
→ The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
→ Shoot one.
A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat minor.
What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
→ A flat major.
What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
→ Be flat, major.
What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
→ See flat major.
What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
→ C sharp or B flat.
Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
→ They are always longing for another stop.
Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?
→ Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat miner.
What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?
→ A flat major.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
→ It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.
How do you get five oboes in tune?
→ Shoot four of them.
What are burning oboes used for?
→ To set bassoons on fire.
Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
→ Because most oboes are full of holes.
How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
→ Steal his batteries.
The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".
A harp is a nude piano.
A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
→ Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
