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Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said:

- Ma'am did you know you were speeding?

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks:

- What did he say?

The old man yells:

- He says you were speeding!

The patrolman says:

- May I see your license?

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

- Hold on there, partner - said the snake

- don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual…

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door…

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says:

- You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well:

- Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember - she says

- I am going to treat you like a king!

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside…

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles…

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs....what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
→ On St. Patrick's Day everyone wishes they were Irish.

Why dont mexicans and blacks have children together?
→ They're afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady:

- Why is your stomach so big?

She replied:

- Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked:

- Is the baby in your stomach?

She said:

- He sure is.

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked:

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.

So he trys to regain his composure, backs up and starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.

So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!

He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could…

- Knock, knock?

- Whos there?

- Megan and chicken

- Megan and chicken who?

- He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out whos naughty and nice...

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said:

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"

What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
→ Bach in the saddle again.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.
2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.
3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.
4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)
5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers…

Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"

Accidentals: Wrong notes

Ad Libitum: A premiere.

Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece.

Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.

Allegro: Leg fertilizer.

Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.

Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.

Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.

Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
11. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
12. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
13. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
14. One word: polkas.
15. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
16. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
17. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
18. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies:

- Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go.

- Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that - says the warden. He turns to the biker:

- And you, biker, what's your last request?

- That you kill me first.

What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
→ A new age song.

What happens if you sing country music backwards?
→ You get your job and your wife back.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
→ When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies:

- I just like to hear you say it.

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.

However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.

However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.

The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.

Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.

One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.

Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men…

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
→ A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
→ Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
→ They've had little use.

Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.

Mozart: The Magic Tuba.

Puccini: La Bamba.

Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.

Verdi: Rigatoni.

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking:

- Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?

The soprano answers:

- Three.

- Three times, fellows! - says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

- Ow! What was that for? - asks the soprano.

Pete explains:

- Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth.

- Oh - says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door.

- Oh my goodness, what is that? - asks the soprano, horrified.