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- You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.

- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

- Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says:

- oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.

- Who's in that room? - the man asks.

- Oh, those are the holy rollers - says Saint Peter.

- They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless.

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.

- Who's in there? - the man asks.

- That's the room for the Shakers - replies Saint Peter.

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said:

- We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said:

- Are you my father?

The doctor said:

- No, I am the doctor that delivered you. Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said:

- Are you my father?

The nurse said:

- No, I am just the nurse. Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said:

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful…

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

- Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

- You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

- Coffee never runs out.

- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

- You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

- When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

- Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

- Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

- White men can take black coffee home to their parents.

Now that I'm older.....here's what I've discovered.....

I started out with nothing..

I still have most of it.

- When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?

- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

- If all is not lost, where is it?

- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages "from God". This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!

1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You ... I Love You ... I Love You ... - God

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

- Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything

- Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly

- Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)

- Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?

- Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error

- Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename

- Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash

- Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited

- Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

- It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

- Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.

- Oh, yeah, sure - says Bob sheepishly.

- Really? How long have you been wearing one?

- Ever since my wife found it in our bed!

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

- All the ladies down on the floor - one handsome robber commanded.

- My grandmother too? - the little girl asked.

- Yes, your grandmother too!

- All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

- My grandmother too?

- Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

- Surely you don't mean my grandmother too? - asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted:

- YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

- Can I help you? - the madam asked.

- I want Natalie - the old man replied.

- Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...

- No, I must see Natalie.

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was…

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

- Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . .:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed:

- Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting…

- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

- Viagra, Home of the whopper

- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

- Accountants do it with Double Entry

- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

- Ambulance drivers come quicker

- Australians do it Down Under

- Bach did it using the organ

- Bankers do it with interest

- Bartenders do it on the Rocks

- Batman does it using his Robin

- Bookkeepers do it for the record

- Bosses delegate the task to others

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt…

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

- I have to fluff my shower cap.

- I have to fulfill my potential.

- I left my body in my other clothes.

- I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

- I'll be looking for a parking space.

- On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

- Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

- In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

- On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

- At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

- On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

- In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

- On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."