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My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

- I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

- I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.

Woo-hoo...check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. . . .

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

- He: I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today

- She: But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

- He: OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

- She: Well, the air bag works...

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

- I must say - says the executive - your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.

- Yes - says the lady.

- Well - continues the executive - there's not much positive in that.

- Well - says the woman as she pokes the application.

- At least I'm not a quitter!

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

- Please - protested the college President - you already make more than the entire History department.

- Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with - the coach blustered.

- Look.

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.

- Run over to my office and see if I'm there - he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

- You're not there, sir - he reported.

- Oh, I see what you mean - conceded the President, scratching his head.

- I would have phoned.

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said:

- After you.

I smiled at him and said:

- No, please, after you. I have all day.

Then he shook his head sadly and repeated:

- No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months.

- Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

- Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.

- Build on high ground.

- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

- Two heads are better than one.

- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.

- Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

- When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out:

- Hey, how'd you do that?

- I could tell you, madam - the magician answered - But then I'd have to kill you.

After a short pause, she yelled back:

- Ok, then... Just tell my husband!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls:

- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply:

- Yes I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says:

- Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo says:

- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped:

- I don't think that is going to help much, hon?

- Sure it does - he said.

- How else can I can see the numbers!

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

- Class - said he - My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?

A little boy on the front row said:

- You're a mother!

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted:

- Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.

Elsewhere...

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile...

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only…

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

- I need someone with an accounting degree - the man said.

- But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.

- How's that? - the would be accountant asked.

- I worry about a lot of things - the man said.

- But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.

- I see - the accountant said.

- And how much will my position pay?

- I'll start you at eighty five thousand - responded the owner decisively.

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.

A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped:

- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.

The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:

- Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?

The man said:

- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said...

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

- Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:

- We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said:

- I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this:

Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
→ No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Officer, who provided this description?
→ The officer who responded to the scene.

A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
→ Yes sir, with my life.

WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
→ Yes sir, we do.

And do you have a locker in that room?

So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks:

- Hey, you wanna hear a redneck story?

The guy says:

- Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, an' ma name's Billy Joe. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?

The fella says:

- Naw, you're right. . . I'd hate to have to explain it three times!

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said:

- Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane

Every year Martha would say:

- Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs

So Stumpy says:

- By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go.

Martha replies:

- Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.

So the pilot overhears them and says:

- Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but…

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked:

- What flag is this?

A little girl called out:

- That's the flag of our country.

- Very good - the teacher said.

- And what is the name of our country?

- 'Tis of thee - the girl said confidently.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said:

- Who can tell me what this is?

A little girl raised her hand.

- Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?

- It's a cow, teacher.

- Very good, Janie - said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class.

Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change. On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation:

- What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?

- Land mines - replied the Kuwaiti woman.