Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo!
HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)
NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL... NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have…
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says:
- I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out - and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all:
- What if it doesn't work out? - they wonder.
- Are we stuck together forever?
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled:
What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?
→ They're both upset Clinton finished first.
They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.
How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
→ Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
- There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:
- Will I be acquitted?
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.
I'D LOVE TO BUT......
- I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- I have to floss my pets...
- I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
- I want to spend more time with my blender.
- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
- I'm building a pig from a kit.
- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...
But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!
- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
- No, I don't have a license to kill; it's just a learners permit.
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.
- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
- Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either!
- White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.
- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?"
Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released:
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it:
- I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?
- Funny you should come to me - said the Rabbi.
- Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.
- What did you do? - asked the lawyer.
- I turned to God for the answer - replied the rabbi.
- And what did he say?
He said:
- Funny you should come to me...
Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:
- The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid...wait... I still do!)
- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)
- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)
- Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What...they launch their Depends at 'em?)
Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.
Then Mother noticed something was missing....
- Susie, dear - she said.
- You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place.
- But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them - explained Susie.
- Daddy says he always eats like a horse!
Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)
I'D LOVE TO BUT......
- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
- I feel a song coming on.
- I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
- I have to bleach my hare.
- I have too much guilt.
- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...
- I never go out on days that end in "Y."
- I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .
After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:
- Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.
Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.
The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he…
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
- You're running around with other women - she told her mate.
- Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable - Adam responded.
- You know you're the only woman on earth.
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.
- Counting your ribs - said Eve!
Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.
The doctor says to the first gal:
- What is three times three?
- 297 - was her prompt reply.
- Ummm humm - says the doc.
The doctor says to the second lady:
- It's your turn now. What is three times three?
- Friday - replies the second lady.
- Ummm humm...
Then the doc says to the third:
- Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
- Judge: And why is that?
- Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
- Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
- Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:
- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.
- But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.
- True enough - said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!
A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says:
- Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.
Marv smiles and says:
- Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?
Bernie says:
- You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?
Marv grins again:
- Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me...
- Yes, yes, that's it! - cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...
- Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?
Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Maria
Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you…
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:
- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?
- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself - Is this guy blind or what?
- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.
- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
- Oh, this is terrible - exclaims St. Peter - I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back.
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone:
- Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?
- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
- Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
- Atheism - A non-prophet organization.
- Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo!
- Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
- Clones are people two.
- COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- Entropy isn't what it used to be.
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.
I'D LOVE TO BUT......
- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
- I have to jog my memory.
- I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
- I have to rotate my crops.
- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
- I have to stay home and see if I snore.
- I have to study for a blood test.
- I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
- adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto
- anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.
- antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.
- bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?
- bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.
- catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)
- cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)
- d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.
- emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how
- fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)
