Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.
Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says:
- If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.
The old man snaps back:
- Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.
The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.
The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want…
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom:
- Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me…
Dear Ann:
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we…
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
- You've got to have a room somewhere, - he pleaded.
- Or just a bed, I don't care where.
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
- No problem, - the tired Marine assured him.
- I'll take it.
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
- How'd you sleep? - Asked the manager.
- Never better.
The manager was impressed.
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:
- Give me six double vodka.
The barman says:
- Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.
- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:
- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said:
Yo mama's like...:
- Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.
- Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.
- Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.
- Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow.
- Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap.
- Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
- Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.
- Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.
- Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.
This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!
One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:
- Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.
Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:
- Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said:
- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.
The other cow replies:
- Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks!
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."
WHY? ......
What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing, yet.
What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
→ Turkey.
What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
→ They both have Kurds in their Whey.
What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
What is the best Iraqi job?
→ Foreign Ambassador
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
- I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
- This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.
- I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was…
Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton:
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked. Bring food/beer.
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted...:
- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class:
- Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly:
- Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!
With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure replied:
- The pupil of the eye, in dim light.
- Correct - said Mr. Perkins.
- And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes
Life stinks - I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $3.99 a minute.
How are women and rocks alike?
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
