Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:
- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog says:
- This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?
- No, - says the psychic.
- Next semester in her biology class.
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record:
- In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!
Another horse breaks in:
- Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!
- Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28! - says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
- I don't mean to boast, - says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!
The horses are clearly amazed.
- Wow! - says one, after a hushed silence.
- A talking dog.
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate…
Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
→ Because it was a double-crosser.
Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
→ To take over the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide.
There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his scotish accent, "I…
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
- What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? - asked the chief.
- Forget the damn lion! - he howled.
Two English sheep in a field.
One says to the other:
- I'm not feeling very well
The other turns around and replies:
- Shut-the-f*ck-up, or you'll get us all killed
Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says:
- I'll find out
and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says:
- We're just over Paris
- How do you know - ask the others.
- Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower.
Later on the second guy tries and says:
- We just flew over London
- How? - asks the others.
- Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She yells:
- What the hell do you guys think you are doing?
One of the Japanese men explains:
- Can't you see? We are all berry hungry.
The waitress begs the question:
- So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?
One of the other Japanese men replies:
- The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
- The weddin's off - he shouted. - Everybody bugger off!
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.
- What's the problem? - he asked.
- Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride! - exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the…
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth:
- I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.
The Pope says:
- No way. You can't do that.
The Queen says:
- Watch this.
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking:
- Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it.
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says:
What do they call condoms in Germany?
→ Weinerhosen
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed:
- Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg.
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.
The resident replied:
- As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.
I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said:
- It's made in Germany.
I said:
- That's too bad, I can't use it then.
The clerk said:
- What's the matter? You don't like German pens?
I said:
- No. I just never learned to write German.
Australia.
Where men are real men
And sheep are scared shitless
And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
- Black pepper, or white pepper? - asked the concierge.
- Toilette pepper!
What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
→ An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?
→ They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
- Why did you do that? - the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
- I know where he lives - he replied, and he wouldn't have made it.
An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:
- How large is the population here?
- Around 1.5 billion - the guide answers.
American, after a short pause:
- So, what else do you do here?
A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.
He stops, bangs on the window and says:
- So, what does this cost ??!!.
And the hooker replies:
- 25 dollars !!.
And the Pollock said:
- Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated windows !!.
An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. "A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, "'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)?
→ A leisure centre.
