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A neutron walks into a bar.

- I'd like a beer - he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

- How much will that be? - asks the neutron.

- For you? - replies the bartender.

- No charge

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the…

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink:

- You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive:

- How do you know this, Sister?

- My Mother Superior told me so.

- But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?

- Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself

- Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

- I'll bet you $10 he'll jump - said the first guy.

- Bet you $10 he won't - said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

- I can't take your money - said the first guy.

- I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.

- No, no. Take it - said the second guy.

- I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar:

- Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home.

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door:

- Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender:

- If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender:

- If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny…

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

- No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes - he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

- Here - she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes.

- I found them in the hallway.

- Now - she said - if only I could find my parakeet.

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says:

- All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing…

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- What does the cow say?

- Moo!

- Great! What does the cat say?

- Meow.

- Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied:

- Bud.

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

- What's going on? - she yells out the window.

- Cow on the track! - replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells:

- What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting:

- I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own croc!

To which the shopkeeper replied:

- by all means, just watch out for those two 'ole boys' who are doing the same!

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water.

- They must be the 'ole boys' - he thought.

Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even…

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....

Oh alright then, just a small piece.

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
10. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
11. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
12. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
13. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
14. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
15. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
16. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
17. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
→ Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
→ The outside.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
→ A walkie-talkie, of course.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
→ Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
→ Too many cheetahs.

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks:

- What were the people doing on the bus?

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks:

- Yeah, but what else were they doing?

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says:

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said:

- Cat caught in machine, come quick!

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in!…

While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man:

- What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?

To which the blind man replied:

- Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.

- Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

- Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

- Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment.

Fill in the blanks:

1. [xxx] is not food.
   Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the…