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This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....

- Mate - the aussie said.

- Over there we shear them

The kiwi replied:

- Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply:

- For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!

At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was:

- Just plant your potatoes.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
→ F18... B52... F18

What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?
→ A pimp

A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there.

- Reporter: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?

- Scotsman: Certainly...

- Reporter: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

- Scotsman: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself…

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreign exchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000 Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000 Rps and put his hand out for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly:

- Ooh! vy less !!??

Whereupon the cashier replied:

- Fluctuations!

He screamed back:

- FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO! I'm going back to Delhi!!!

What's brown and has holes in it?
→ Swiss Shit.

What goes in and out and smells of piss?
→ The Queen Mother

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Indubitably

- Innovative

- Preliminary

- Proliferation

- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Specificity

- British Constitution

- Passive-aggressive disorder

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout:

- I'm not as think you drunk I am.

- Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem!

- Mongo: The hell I do!

- Buford: The hell you don't!

- Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink... I get drunk... I fall down. No problem!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
And the barmaid said:

- Blimey! That's handy!

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.

- That damned Pete! - the drunk chortled - He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.

- Hi - he said - I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?

- Get lost - she remarked - I am Lesbian.

- Oh, really? - he asked - How are things in Beiruit?

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June - he said - and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough - he replied.

- Then in July - the friend continued - My father died leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month - continued the friend - nothing!

A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender's attention. He glanced at it and said:

- It's a ladybug.

After a moment of stunned silence the customer said:

- Good Lord, what incredible eyesight you have!

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, "Dammit, I said UP."

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

- No - replied McAteer.

- I've lost all me luggage!

- How'd that happen?

- The cork fell out - said the Irishman.

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.

She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs:

- I don't remember eating that!

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what? Who's in a hurry?

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
→ A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

- Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again. - the wife told her husband.

- How can you tell ? - he asked.

- Did you smell it ?

- Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . .

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.

Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by.

- Get me out of here - said the one in the grave.

- I'm cold.

The other one looked over the edge and said:

- No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you.

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!

Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he finishes the disgusted bartender says:

- Why in the hell did you shit on my bar?

The drunk replies:

- Even Elvis had to clear his throat!