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A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

- An' wot's this then? - he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

- You dumb dog.

As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the…

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

- I was in that new restaurant across the street - said one.

- It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.

- Please - said the other roach frowning.

- Not while I'm eating!

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly." "OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does." The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you…

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims:

- I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.

- Bartender: Yeah! Sure...go ahead.

- Man: What covers a house?

- Dog: Roof!

- Man: How does sandpaper feel?

- Dog: Rough!

- Man: Who was the greatest ball player of all time?

- Dog: Ruth!

- Man: Pay up. I told you he could talk.

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up:

- I can see you, and so can Jesus!

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

- I can see you, and so can Jesus!

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again:

- I can see you, and so can Jesus!

- So what - says the burglar:

- you're only a parrot!

To which the parrot replies:

- Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!

A preacher is buying a parrot.

- Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear? - asked the preacher.

- Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot - the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

- Wonderful! - says the preacher:

- but what happens if you pull both strings?

- I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! - screeched the parrot.

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard.

Fill in the blanks:

1. [xxx] is not food.
   Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
   kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said:

- Who is it?

He replied:

- It's the plumber.

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said:

- Who is it?

He said:

- It's the plumber!

A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says:

- I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him.

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog…

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other:

- I don't think much of this budgie jumping.

The other moron replies:

- Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either.

Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

Purrson: A male kitty.

Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea:

- I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V.

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

- That's the most amazing thing I've seen, - I said.

- That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.

The man turned to me and said:

- Yeah, it is. He hated the book.

A man walks into a bar one day and asks:

- Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?

- Yeah, I do! - a biker says, standing up.

- What about it?

- Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him...

- What are you talkin' about?! - the biker says, disbelievingly.

- How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?

- Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer:

- This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them…

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says:

- Pardon me. May I help you with something.

The blind man says:

- No thanks. I'm just looking around.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him:

- I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying:

- You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says:

- Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood.

- We're new here, - says the second one.

- It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us.

The first bat replies:

- Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.

He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly:

- Where did you get the blood?

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said:

- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies:

- I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...:

- Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says:

- I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!

The second says:

- Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!

Then the third rat gets up and says:

- Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat.

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

- I can hardly believe my eyes! - he exclaimed.

- That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.

- Nah, he's not so smart, - the friend replied.

- I've beaten him three games out of five.

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying:

- My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam.

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage.

- Did you say that? - she asks.

- Why, yes, I did! - he replies.

- And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you.

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way…

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks:

- Why 'S'?

The snail replies:

- 'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving.

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down…

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say:

- Buk Buk BUK.

The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say:

- Buk Buk BuKKOOK!

The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say:

- Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!

The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow…